Ugly Writing

It stinks to be on a roll with your project only, for some reason, to stop and feel like you have come to a horrifying realization.

Everything that is being written is terrible.

This is a miserable struggle I am going through now. I feel the idea of my novel is strong, the timeline/outline feels good, and the characters have a purpose. But there feels like there is something lacking and it is lacking terribly.

It is a haunting insecurity that is affecting the completion of my project. I'm already into third edition of my book, so I would like to have it completed. But I find myself hating my writing so much. It doesn't feel polished enough to the point it hurts to complete a chapter because it is so ugly to look at. And I can't just not look because I am fully aware what I am writing and am aware of how bad it is.

Maybe before I wasn't paying much attention to it. I just wanted to complete my book so I can start the quest for publishing. Not sure if I've put more attention on to the actual writing itself now or not. But something has triggered a reaction from me and made me aware something is off.

It's not so easy to keep writing when the foundation of the book feels so weak and boring. It feels like the writing is so drawn out over nothing. But removing the details no longer feels like my writing style. Yet my current writing style feels ugly and not worth publishing.

What can change? Should something change? I feel the view of personal ugly writing is probably very overwhelming and crippling to a lot, if not most, writers. It is an insecurity that grips the hand tightly and it becomes a struggle to write anything.

I find that I'm not so upset that my writing may be bad now. While the idea does hurt, if it is confirmed I don't find the news that horrible. What is frustrating is being unsure what to do about it. How to get better? Do I just continue writing? Do I ignore the doubt or is it something that should be dealt with now?

There are so many confusing turns. It's painful to move on cause the writing feels to be feeding off bad preceding chapters but going back might earn more set-backs and doubts.

What would you guys do? How would you face this situation? Any advice would be much appreciated to hear and to spread to more around who are going through similar insecurities!

Finding the Good Enough

Insecure Writer's Support Group--November Edition

Better later than never, right? Just been a hard few weeks so I am a bit behind.

A little bit ago, my teacher for Technical Editing mentioned a good, professional writer can see when something is good enough. And that sounds pretty spot on, in my opinion.

Writers can go through so many editions, rewrites, editing, double-checking, and overall suffering from the lack of perfection. But I don't think a work in process can ever really reach the level of perfection. I'm not sure that level exists for anything in the world. If one was to constantly aim for that they will never be ready to let go of their project.

17, 50, 98 editions and years later and it's still not to the level you want....it's because one hasn't been able to see the 'good enough' and move on. Can anything really ever be perfection? As covered in a previous post, I just don't think it can. An author will just need to know when the project is good enough to submit.

And just because you send it off doesn't mean that it is gone out of twitchy fingers forever. We all know it takes an astronomical amount of luck to get accepted by agents/publishers instantly. You will probably have time to keep learning and to edit a little. But during Spring, I listened to a short-story author speak at the school and he said that there are works that have been published that he could've gone over multiple times, forever perhaps. But he had sent it in and it was published and it was very well received.

OK, I think we can all agree that there needs to be a time where you say "alright, that's good enough" but how on earth do you get to that? If anyone knows an actual answer, please share! I can only assume it is just about training and just pushing the project away.

Perhaps it is just about getting excited or impatient and sending the work in? Though that sounds a bit risky, it does give you a chance to branch out and try to get it read. But if you're rejected, you just started the learning process early and maybe you will be lucky enough to be told what is wrong.

But what if you don't want to send something in before you know that you have reached that good enough? Well, there is the pickle. It could be very personal and whenever you feel that you are ready, however that moment might not hit everyone.

I would say, you probably should rewrite the story more than three or four times and shouldn't re-edit more than MAYBE seven (overall). Once you start reaching those numbers, you might want to step back and start sending them in. In general, if these numbers make you uncomfortable, I would keep it all under the number 10. UNLESS you really do need to completely change up your story, you shouldn't be going overboard like that.

Now is this the right now? More than likely not. This is just my personal opinion.

In truth, I think you must set up a personal limit. Tell yourself you will NOT go over 10, 12, 15 editions or rewrites. Once you reach that number, you will let it go. Maybe you will come back to it, maybe it will be accepted and publishing, or just maybe you need to step back from it for a while and move on to another project.

Now, just to let you know, I am not saying be lazy or not try. Work hard on your project. Give it the love and attention that it deserves. If this is your dream, work hard to make sure that you reach that dream.

Just don't let the haunting thought of perfection control you from ever sending out your work. Just take a deep breath and take the plunge into sending things out once you think you have reached "it's good enough".

Depression & Writing

Insecure Writer's Support Group--October Edition

The new semester started a month ago and it has greatly affected my writing and my life. It was a hard start. For some reason, I just became overwhelmed with all the work that needed to be done and being so close to the end of my BA (next semester, whoot!). I couldn't concentrate and couldn't seem to function positively. I actually felt more inspired to goof off and write rather than study or do any work.

I was crying and stressing out daily. I'm so close to the end! I have a scholarship and am on the Dean's List! How could I possibly be quitting when I'm so close to finishing everything off with such a good note?

Well, after going to discuss this with a counselor and chatting with my parents, it seems I was so overwhelmed (particularly with my language course). I had the idea that I wasn't good enough if I got anything less than an A, lose the scholarship, and not just be perfect on everything. It was just hitting me hard and with six classes, it can get really stressful really fast.

After the talks, and realizing I am, indeed, a perfectionist, I just had to step back and come to a realization that no one is perfect and being perfect does not mean it I become a failure. I was just viewing everything in such a black-&-white way. Getting a C in French would not ruin me for the rest of my life nor would it be a devastating loss to not have the scholarship for my final semester. I couldn't let these little details overwhelm me and have everything else be totally ruined.

Though hard, I had to let it all go. Stop worrying so much over everything. It is still hard today. I am so far behind because I was in a sort of...depressive neutral state for about four of the six weeks of my classes. I have to try and control those feelings, catch up on all the classes, run a club, and try to find some time to write.

But things are better now, at least emotionally and working with a more positive and strong attitude.

Now, I don't want to just sit here and talk about the depression (especially since it concerned more about school than writing). Instead, I would like to talk about how this can help with writing and life.

Simple. As said before, no one is perfect and not being perfect doesn't instantly mean failure. Don't go by the quote "If you're not first, you're last!" (Ricky Bobby, lol). The world isn't made up of all winners and failures.

Don't let the pressure of being the "perfect" writer overwhelm you. Stop fretting over the details. Yes, those details are vital and important, but they are not worth losing everything for. Especially your health and sanity.

Take some time and give yourself a pep-talk. Don't let the one class, one assignment, one chapter, or one character tear everything down. Remember perspective! And always go to someone when you start to lose that perspective. Never be afraid to go to someone for help. You never have to go through any of these things alone.

Learning to Let Go

I realized after I posted, I missed the Insecure Writer's Support Group: July Edition by one day, so I will make this one mine, if that is legal.

I will start off by just saying life loves to get in the way of writing. It’s madness! But school and computer problems and illness just always sneak up and overwhelms you when you really don’t need it. And Princess Peach, you can’t just leave her locked in the tower! I mean…it’s not right.

Anyway, the distractions aside, it is time to get back to business.

I am in the process of another re-write of my novel.  At the moment the prologue is being rewritten for about the eighth time and I am finding myself at a point that most writers probably face: when you have to let go.

Except for about the first two or three editions, the book has always started with the line “Once upon a time, war was the dream of the people” and now I am finding myself so hooked on to this one sentence I have based every re-write since then on that one sentence alone.

And, like my writer’s identity, I wasn’t fully aware I was doing it until I had a slap-in-the-face realization.

My start chapter might start off with a line I am proud of, but everything following after has always sounded stale, forced, and just plain “meh”. Is that one line really worth it?

For a long time, it was.

How on earth did that happen? Though I am a writer and though I want to write a book, I can’t forget about the fact that these are just words. Though the words create something great, they are still words.

And I should not let a few words, a sentence, a paragraph, a page, or a chapter control and constrict the story as a whole. Things might be shared through the words, but they aren’t the only things that are contributing to the book.

So, I have to let these words go. Though painful, it is just what has to be done for the greater good of the novel.

I found I had to give myself a stern talking to. I needed to sit down and converse with Randi and myself before I finally deleted them and left myself with a completely blank page. It is rejuvenating, inspiring, and heartbreaking all at the same time.

Now, how to let it go? Well, in all honesty, I don’t think anyone can till they realize they are ready for it themselves. My best friend and mentor probably couldn’t get me to let it go until I was ready. Heck, the most distinguished published author probably couldn’t have gotten me to let it go either.

Because these words just mean so much during creation, and that love and pride just get in the way. Not until I or anyone else is ready can those words be deleted.

And man, once they are, I look back and go “what the heck was wrong with me?”. It feels like so much time was wasted! I could’ve let it go earlier and moved on! But I have to remember:

Not until I am ready. And everyone goes at their own proper, healthy, right pace. Rushing, typically, just won’t help. I think pushing myself is good, to work and try to get things accomplished after so long of not writing or to meet a goal…but like the words; that time-line is not worth the destruction of the story!

That, I think, is what the kicker is. When the realization that the story is worth more than this one lovely thing, then everything starts to fall more into play. But it does stink waiting for that moment to finally click.

What about your experience? Has there been something that you just struggled with letting go? Please share!

My Writer's Identity

After reading my friend’s, Randi Lee, post about insecurity, it really made me aware of myself and bring into light a denial I just haven’t faced.

I don’t really know who I am in this writing world.

I know what genre I like, I’m pretty sure I know my strong points when it concerns writing, I’m also sure where I struggle at. But when it comes down to the writing world, I’m lost.

I wanted to write a blog about writing to help promote my writing, meet new people, get advice, and perhaps give out advice in return. However, I find that I am looking far too much at what everyone else is doing to influence my own.

Instead of being inspired, I think I am conforming and hiding behind a mask of what people think is cool to fit into a clique. It’s like I’m treating this like it is high school or something. Which makes it all the more concerning because I didn’t act like this during the awkward teenage years.

This might be happening for a few reasons. One is I think all of this means just so much to me. Writing, stepping outside of my comfort zone, getting published, and meeting people who are not only interested in writing itself but my writing as well.

Sad thing is, if I keep doing what I am doing I will be defeating that purpose. No one will be hearing my real voice. It would just be me following after the words of others and trying to reach their fame rather than start my own way.

Inspiration is one thing, changing yourself to win the affection and attention of others is something else entirely. And I feel if I am not there yet I am on the path. I am worrying about the wrong stuff on the site.

Another thing is, which brings back to why this was inspired by Randi’s post, is that I have always been a very insecure person. For the majority of my life I have been the second or in the background. Never really had friends, when I made friends I was there mostly for backup, blended into the background and acknowledged when something was needed.

Now, this isn’t said for pity. I have a few great friends now who are really supporting and see me. It’s more of an explanation on why I might be using this writing blog for a very wrong reason.

Of course, this isn’t to say that the words I have said below are fake and shallow. I do mean what I say actually. Rather it’s how I came about writing some of them, or how I will study what other’s say for my own profit of “fame” rather than absorbing their advice in. Instead of reading the impressive words of some blogger I might look at how they write their bio or how they have their blog set up. I wonder about petty things; is mine not as impressive looking? Does my bio turn people off? Should I make things look more like them? Maybe I should work on how I say things.

But does all of this stuff really matter? Does it even matter to have an “identity” here? Why do I feel like I have to be somebody to write out things I want to write?  Why do I try to be Randi Lee when she is Randi Lee and I am Paige Lollie?

So, perhaps this blog isn’t just about writing and sharing advice and everything I mentioned before. Right now it seems more like an exploration of who I am as a blogger, a writer, and a person.

This blog isn’t about deadlines, it’s not about getting ratings or followers, and it’s not about just spewing out whatever “emotional” nonsense I can find in my mind simply because it sounds like something someone else would read because it is something sorta similar to what someone impressive said.

So this has to stop. I gotta write honestly and be honest. I can’t hide behind someone else’s words. I don’t think it works to create an identity for yourself. That makes it sound like I’m one of those stereotypical creepers on a dating site that parodies are made for (the ‘is this picture of you from this universe?’ thing).

It’s about finding your identify. Which honestly, I think I have a long way to go for. But at least now I’m on the right path. Now I can start writing more about what I feel like writing rather than worry about how it will sound or if it will be super useful.

Though there aren’t many reading my stuff now (which came off sounding a little emo) I am coming out to tell you more about myself and be warned; I’m nerdy (look out for quotes), I apologize and worry a lot (Randi can support this fact lol), I go from sounding like a pre-teen to a forty year old in a blink, and I tend to be a bit overly descriptive and poetic in my words (Meyer got nothing on me and my adjectives).

Hello, my name is Paige Lollie. This blog is who I am. Please to meet you.