Ugly Writing

It stinks to be on a roll with your project only, for some reason, to stop and feel like you have come to a horrifying realization.

Everything that is being written is terrible.

This is a miserable struggle I am going through now. I feel the idea of my novel is strong, the timeline/outline feels good, and the characters have a purpose. But there feels like there is something lacking and it is lacking terribly.

It is a haunting insecurity that is affecting the completion of my project. I'm already into third edition of my book, so I would like to have it completed. But I find myself hating my writing so much. It doesn't feel polished enough to the point it hurts to complete a chapter because it is so ugly to look at. And I can't just not look because I am fully aware what I am writing and am aware of how bad it is.

Maybe before I wasn't paying much attention to it. I just wanted to complete my book so I can start the quest for publishing. Not sure if I've put more attention on to the actual writing itself now or not. But something has triggered a reaction from me and made me aware something is off.

It's not so easy to keep writing when the foundation of the book feels so weak and boring. It feels like the writing is so drawn out over nothing. But removing the details no longer feels like my writing style. Yet my current writing style feels ugly and not worth publishing.

What can change? Should something change? I feel the view of personal ugly writing is probably very overwhelming and crippling to a lot, if not most, writers. It is an insecurity that grips the hand tightly and it becomes a struggle to write anything.

I find that I'm not so upset that my writing may be bad now. While the idea does hurt, if it is confirmed I don't find the news that horrible. What is frustrating is being unsure what to do about it. How to get better? Do I just continue writing? Do I ignore the doubt or is it something that should be dealt with now?

There are so many confusing turns. It's painful to move on cause the writing feels to be feeding off bad preceding chapters but going back might earn more set-backs and doubts.

What would you guys do? How would you face this situation? Any advice would be much appreciated to hear and to spread to more around who are going through similar insecurities!

Writer's Weakness

Insecure Writers Support Group: January Edition

As a writer, or as a person in any field in the world, we all have to admit there is something we struggle in or just can't do as well as we would like. There are some who are fabulous with romance, but can't do a thing when it comes to thriller or adventure. There are some who can only write nonfiction and find fiction too much out-there to handle.

I think the first step in any weakness is admitting that you have them. Even if you never want to branch out of the romance genre, just admitting it is difficult for you to do any other genre is a right step rather than simply saying you don't like the other genres (not like this is not acceptable or true). If you can find me a writer that can do every length, age group, and genre and you might have found Jesus who has been watching the world before the next End of the World.

It just, probably (never say never after all), is not possible for one person to not only write them all but write them all good, not great or fantastic, but simply good.

So for the start of the new year, before we all start on our resolutions, let's look at the flaws and struggles we have. Admitting and facing them are huge in terms of overcoming them and making them stronger.

Here are my writer's weakness:

1) Short stories/micros/minis: I really want to get better at this but I seem to struggle with the short stories compared to the long ones. Even with my fan fiction, I do better when I do chapters upon chapters or pages upon pages than a one-shot. My best story-example (one I am most proud of and has some of the most reviews) is 26 chapters and over 400,000 words. That is my comfort zone. To me, writing less is so difficult and those who are able to tell a wonderful and condensed story is just too awesome for me and my brain to handle.

2) Over-detail/Analyzing: This is a weakness I have in talking as well. I struggle just communicating simply and straightforward. I want to explain and elaborate. I tell as story within a story within a story because that is just how my brain works. It can get confusing and way too elaborate and long. Instead of simply saying "he walked to the main door" I might go "he moved up to the entrance to the intimidating mansion, taking note of all the silvery cobwebs that blew in the fall breeze". This isn't bad every so often, but I feel I do it way more than I probably should. Within many writing books, it is key to be simple. I don't always take the simple route when I should.

3) Too Much Character: I think I have a tendency in putting too much on the characters. This isn't too bad if I still balanced it out with the plot and other aspects of writing. But sometimes I think I put too much concentration on the character, their relationship, details, and movement and it takes away from the plot longer than it should. A story will typically work with characters and plot, especially for young adult fantasy. It can't just be dissecting a character or giving each person who enters the scene a in depth background story.

4) Grammar: Yes, I can be hit with the nasty-grammar. It's hard to remember it all! At least this one isn't the biggest issue. Just re-reading, getting a few BETAs, and editors. But it is pretty bad when you're an English major and still struggle with placement of some of the punctuation.

5) Moving On: It is hard to move on from a chapter or a paragraph or even a sentence until I get it right. I seem to put up a mental block that prevents me from writing until everything beforehand is perfect. Even though it is good to try and pull the best from the story, it should not hinder an author from completing the story. And sadly, I can do this to myself. Pulling a cameo from a previous blog-post of mine, I struggle to find the Good Enough at times. How can you ever complete something if you can't move on?

6) Genre-Horror/Mystery/Angst/Emotional: I honestly enjoy horror and mystery in shows and books. I'm fascinated by the paranormal (though it terrifies me) and give me a good mystery book and I'll be happy. But these are very hard genres. With mystery-driven stories you need to really watch what is revealed and how it is. How much the audience can figure out. Twists and turns. Bad guys and epic reveals. Then with horror, it is all about the tension and the pace, making a person's stomach twist and get the perfect reaction. It's hard! I will say I am not big on Angst or Drama focused books. I think that genre should be brought in, but I can't handle sadness so I don't read books that are super emotional or angst-driven (such as teen-drama books about drugs, rape, etc.). I have never tried a purely emotional-angst-driven story before and I'm sure I will ever try simply because I do not want to start bawling.

7) Genre-Nonfiction: This is very hard for me. I don't typically read it, I have yet to go to the Nonfiction section of any bookstore and pick one up. I also find it very hard to write. It feels like it takes a lot of effort and a lot of special talent to be able to write a nonfiction story. However, this is another one I don't think I have made an actual attempt for one.

8) Resisting the Romance: I can't tell you how I always twitch to add some form of Romance in everything I write. And if something doesn't have romance, all I want to do is add it in. But what is weird is that I don't typically enjoy fluffy romance (especially YA or Teen) books.

Well, I know I have a lot more, but these would have to be some of my main ones. Each writer has one or more and it is part of the process to look and accept these weaknesses before either moving on or facing them to better one's talent. It is just another step in being a professional writer, I believe.

What about you all? Got any weaknesses to share?

My Writing History

(new template! Feels a bit more fitting.)

Like most, I have had a dream to be a published novelist. Writing has been one of the only talents I have been aware and proud of since I was little. 

I remember, back when I was in about the third grade I was a shy girl (shyer than I am now) and didn't have much passion for anything. Then our class (of about 15) had a little writing competition. Just write about something in your life and I wrote about my puppy at the time, Hannah. I had no faith in myself, though I really wanted to win the trophy (a stuffed beaver doll). The time came and the teacher began to read out the winning story. I was so insecure about it that I didn't even recognize it was my own story!

That was the first sign to me that I might have something I am actually good at. Of course, at that age it didn't really click that I could do this for a living. At that age, you're mostly introduced into the world of being a doctor or a teacher. But so many things throughout my life kept bringing me back to writing.

When I was about eleven I discovered anime and then at about twelve or thirteen I discovered the world of fanfiction (through fanfiction.net). At first I wanted to write cause I was a typical fangirl with a Mary-Sue/Self Insertion character I wanted to have claim a bishie. But after really starting with my anime love YuGiOh and my fan-crush Tea (except for my one anime love (HIEI), I've always loved the female characters in animes) I noticed I was actually getting a fan base. 

Soon, I started taking it real serious. I covered different genres; romance, action, and slapstick humor. I went from different worlds (Naruto, Bleach, Yu Yu Hakusho, Danny Phantom, Harry Potter), created new worlds (the AUs) and kept getting popularity.

I was actually writing something that a lot of people were reading and enjoying.

But it still wasn't fully clicking that this was something I wanted to do. The thought was there, but for some reason it just wasn't obvious that I could try and do this for a living. There was talk about it, thoughts about it, but I don't think I ever proclaimed out loud, "I want to be an author."

Perhaps it was still insecurity. Perhaps I felt like I shouldn't be an author, it's not a "real" job. I do remember mom and dad speaking to me about it, that they felt like this was something I love. I think I might've even said I wanted to write a book. But I don't think I ever said "author".

Whatever it was, it just wasn't something that was ready to click.

Until I saw Eragon. 

I remember I had really enjoyed that first book. I remember that the author was so young and was already writing and doing something he really loved, and profiting from it.

And I remember how utterly disappointed I was in the movie. 

I complained the whole way back home. "If it was my book I wouldn't let Hollywood do that." or "It was such a good story, why didn't it get on the screen right?" of course, it probably had more of a whiny high-schooler tone to it. But moving on...

And mom asked me, "Well, why don't you make one yourself? You seem to like it. You talk about stories and writing a lot."

And I finally answered, "I will!" 

That was the for sure moment I made up my mind to try and be like Christopher Paolini. It has taken years, still far behind the man that actually got me to start doing something seriously, but I am on a more serious road in doing something that I hadn't realized been my dream for years.

Still moving slower than I would like, but I am obtaining so many years of experience. I am learning something new about myself, strengthening my writing, and meeting so many new people who are helping me succeed in this.

What about you? When and what got you to realize "this is what I want to do. I want to be an author"?

How to Write...

...when you simply don't want to.

 

Cause man, there are times I just DON’T want to write. I don’t mean a writer’s block, there are ideas there…but no drive to write them down. And it’s not just about my novel. I just feel lazy to do useful stuff. I won’t go and read and review blogs, write my fanfiction, write updates for my own blog, etc.

There is just simply a sense of laziness where I just feel like I don’t even want to pick up a pencil. The things on TV or YouTube just sound so much more intriguing. Even things that would typically inspire me to write just don’t shine like they would typically.

It’s like a whiny pre-teen saying “the world doesn’t want me to!”. Thank goodness, I realized instantly it was my own fault, but even that didn’t get me to writing anything.

So what to do when there is no drive to attempt to do any writing?

In truth, I’m not a 100% sure myself.

This round, I had to just let it pass on its own. Forcing myself to get into a writing mood, to think of a new post for the blog, even going and reading & reviewing….it didn’t work out. It certainly made me feel pretty bad about not doing anything, but even that didn’t move me enough.

It just had to happen when it was meant to happen.

But first a question; is it a real bad thing to not want to write?

At first, I would say “OMG YES” because it is emotionally taxing to not do your passion. I feel like I am missing out on opportunities. Deadlines and goals I had made for myself are slipping away. I’m being far too lazy for it to be beneficial.

However, there is another side to this.

Let’s look at it from a physical stance. Anyone who works out and does sports probably knows you gotta have at least one day of rest so you don’t damage your body. And your body can give you signs that it needs to stop. Perhaps this was my mind telling me it needed a break.

After all, you can’t look at the same thing every day and catch something new. A break just might be needed to find the things you were missing.

After this “lazy break”, I am finding new sides to my story, finding awkward things I had missed over, inspired to write about it in this post…and it is possible all of this is coming through because of stopping.

But, I will be the first to admit I don’t think I went about it the best way. I think I went a few weeks without any type of progression with my writing. If it was a Writer’s Block, yes it would stink, but it would feel more like I was sick. This, as a mentioned before, feels like I was just lazy and didn’t even try to become inspired.

Taking a break is one thing. Letting it work itself out isn’t that bad either. But I’m not sure if I made enough of an attempt to get over this lazy hump. I was simply too lazy to try.

So, in simple terms I always think it never hurts to try…even when you really don’t want too. Even just a sentence or two that you might scrap later, it is still something you did and tried for. If that is all you can manage that one day, well, you had a good shot!

I think it should be done, not because I am anti-lazy or having a pity-fest about my lack of writing, but because you never know what will be the thing to re-ignite the writing spark.

I’ll leave off with a quote from Writer’s Digest;

“One thing that helps is to give myself permission to write badly. I tell myself that I’m going to do my five or ten pages no matter what, and that I can always tear them up the following morning if I want. I’ll have lost nothing—writing and tearing up five pages would leave me no further behind than if I took the day off.” -- Lawrence Block (June 1981)

Always try. I don’t think there is ever a loss to trying, but there can be great loss in not.

Awards!

Thanks to the wonderful and generous Candilynn Fite, I have been given the Booker, Be Inspired, Liebster, and Fabulous Blog Ribbon!

For the Booker Award:

The Rules: This award is for book bloggers only. To receive this award the blog must be at least 50% about books (reading or writing is okay)

Along with receiving this award, you must also share your top five favorite books you have ever read. You must award 5 bloggers, with booky blogs you adore.

My Top Five

This is hard, I am unsure if these are for sure my top ones or not. But these are some I really love and strongly urge for those who have not read them to read them! They are in no particular order and some are more based on author and series.

Small Steps: The Year I Got Polio by Peg Kehret

The FBI series by Catherine Coulter

The Seven Realms series by Cinda Williams Chima

Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling

The Hobbit by J.R. Tolkien

Thank you so much for these. This means just so much. I really can't express how much this means! 

Randi Lee

Katharina Brendel

Andrea Teagan

Gina

Simon P. Clark

Sunny Smith

There are so many people out there that has such great, wonderful blogs! Hope everyone enjoys the awards!! And thank you, Candilynn Fite again for these! They mean so much!

Learning to Let Go

I realized after I posted, I missed the Insecure Writer's Support Group: July Edition by one day, so I will make this one mine, if that is legal.

I will start off by just saying life loves to get in the way of writing. It’s madness! But school and computer problems and illness just always sneak up and overwhelms you when you really don’t need it. And Princess Peach, you can’t just leave her locked in the tower! I mean…it’s not right.

Anyway, the distractions aside, it is time to get back to business.

I am in the process of another re-write of my novel.  At the moment the prologue is being rewritten for about the eighth time and I am finding myself at a point that most writers probably face: when you have to let go.

Except for about the first two or three editions, the book has always started with the line “Once upon a time, war was the dream of the people” and now I am finding myself so hooked on to this one sentence I have based every re-write since then on that one sentence alone.

And, like my writer’s identity, I wasn’t fully aware I was doing it until I had a slap-in-the-face realization.

My start chapter might start off with a line I am proud of, but everything following after has always sounded stale, forced, and just plain “meh”. Is that one line really worth it?

For a long time, it was.

How on earth did that happen? Though I am a writer and though I want to write a book, I can’t forget about the fact that these are just words. Though the words create something great, they are still words.

And I should not let a few words, a sentence, a paragraph, a page, or a chapter control and constrict the story as a whole. Things might be shared through the words, but they aren’t the only things that are contributing to the book.

So, I have to let these words go. Though painful, it is just what has to be done for the greater good of the novel.

I found I had to give myself a stern talking to. I needed to sit down and converse with Randi and myself before I finally deleted them and left myself with a completely blank page. It is rejuvenating, inspiring, and heartbreaking all at the same time.

Now, how to let it go? Well, in all honesty, I don’t think anyone can till they realize they are ready for it themselves. My best friend and mentor probably couldn’t get me to let it go until I was ready. Heck, the most distinguished published author probably couldn’t have gotten me to let it go either.

Because these words just mean so much during creation, and that love and pride just get in the way. Not until I or anyone else is ready can those words be deleted.

And man, once they are, I look back and go “what the heck was wrong with me?”. It feels like so much time was wasted! I could’ve let it go earlier and moved on! But I have to remember:

Not until I am ready. And everyone goes at their own proper, healthy, right pace. Rushing, typically, just won’t help. I think pushing myself is good, to work and try to get things accomplished after so long of not writing or to meet a goal…but like the words; that time-line is not worth the destruction of the story!

That, I think, is what the kicker is. When the realization that the story is worth more than this one lovely thing, then everything starts to fall more into play. But it does stink waiting for that moment to finally click.

What about your experience? Has there been something that you just struggled with letting go? Please share!

The Sunshine Award

My very first award here! I can't thank Randi Lee enough for her kindness in giving this to me. In truth, words are failing me a bit in just how much this means.

Never receiving something like this before, I will just be winging it a bit. Once the award is received, you have to put the picture above into a post and link back to the person who is giving the award to you (thanks again Randi!) You have to then answer ten questions or post seven random facts about yourself. After which, gotta spread the award along to 10 more bloggers!

Well, no promises that ten can be reached, but I will certainly aim for that!

Seven Random Facts

1) I have a bad addiction to journals, books, and school supplies. My closet is filled with untouched journals, I have no room for the books I have, and don't ever seem to put all my supplies to good use. But they are so wonderful I couldn't possibly part from any of them.

2) Polka-dots are my favorite pattern. I have clothes, bags, quilts, and a piggy-banks with polka-dots on them.

3) I am hyper organized and can fret if I can't organize things to my liking.

4) If I don't get to work-out more than four times a week I start to get stressed. Working out seems to be the best way for me to vent out any frustration and without it I start to get ready to pull my hair out and cry.

5) I have had a fan-crush on the same anime character for over ten years.

6) I am twenty-three yet have never had, nor wanted, to drink liquor.

7) Still have not read the last Harry Potter book

And the award goes to...

Well I haven't made my way through a lot of blogs just yet. But the ones to receive this award are those who are providing very inspirational, enjoyable, advice-filled blogs that truly deserve as many awards as possible.

J.W. Alden
Diana Carlisle
Ivy Lee

Thank you so much again Randi for this. This truly means a lot to me :) thank you.