After reading my friend’s, Randi Lee, post about insecurity,
it really made me aware of myself and bring into light a denial I just haven’t
faced.
I don’t really know who I am in this writing world.
I know what genre I like, I’m pretty sure I know my strong
points when it concerns writing, I’m also sure where I struggle at. But when it
comes down to the writing world, I’m lost.
I wanted to write a blog about writing to help promote my
writing, meet new people, get advice, and perhaps give out advice in return.
However, I find that I am looking far too much at what everyone else is doing
to influence my own.
Instead of being inspired, I think I am conforming and
hiding behind a mask of what people think is cool to fit into a clique. It’s
like I’m treating this like it is high school or something. Which makes it all
the more concerning because I didn’t act like this during the awkward teenage
years.
This might be happening for a few reasons. One is I think
all of this means just so much to me. Writing, stepping outside of my comfort
zone, getting published, and meeting people who are not only interested in
writing itself but my writing as well.
Sad thing is, if I keep doing what I am doing I will be
defeating that purpose. No one will be hearing my real voice. It would just be
me following after the words of others and trying to reach their fame rather
than start my own way.
Inspiration is one thing, changing yourself to win the
affection and attention of others is something else entirely. And I feel if I
am not there yet I am on the path. I am worrying about the wrong stuff on the
site.
Another thing is, which brings back to why this was inspired
by Randi’s post, is that I have always been a very insecure person. For the
majority of my life I have been the second or in the background. Never really
had friends, when I made friends I was there mostly for backup, blended into
the background and acknowledged when something was needed.
Now, this isn’t said for pity. I have a few great friends
now who are really supporting and see me. It’s more of an explanation on why I
might be using this writing blog for a very wrong reason.
Of course, this isn’t to say that the words I have said
below are fake and shallow. I do mean what I say actually. Rather it’s how I
came about writing some of them, or how I will study what other’s say for my
own profit of “fame” rather than absorbing their advice in. Instead of reading
the impressive words of some blogger I might look at how they write their bio
or how they have their blog set up. I wonder about petty things; is mine not as
impressive looking? Does my bio turn people off? Should I make things look more
like them? Maybe I should work on how I say things.
But does all of this stuff really matter? Does it even
matter to have an “identity” here? Why do I feel like I have to be somebody to
write out things I want to write? Why do
I try to be Randi Lee when she is Randi Lee and I am Paige Lollie?
So, perhaps this blog isn’t just about writing and sharing
advice and everything I mentioned before. Right now it seems more like an
exploration of who I am as a blogger, a writer, and a person.
This blog isn’t about deadlines, it’s not about getting
ratings or followers, and it’s not about just spewing out whatever “emotional”
nonsense I can find in my mind simply because it sounds like something someone
else would read because it is something sorta similar to what someone
impressive said.
So this has to stop. I gotta write honestly and be honest. I
can’t hide behind someone else’s words. I don’t think it works to create an
identity for yourself. That makes it sound like I’m one of those stereotypical
creepers on a dating site that parodies are made for (the ‘is this picture of
you from this universe?’ thing).
It’s about finding your identify. Which honestly, I think I
have a long way to go for. But at least now I’m on the right path. Now I can
start writing more about what I feel like writing rather than worry about how
it will sound or if it will be super useful.
Though there aren’t many reading my stuff now (which came
off sounding a little emo) I am coming out to tell you more about myself and be
warned; I’m nerdy (look out for quotes), I apologize and worry a lot (Randi can
support this fact lol), I go from sounding like a pre-teen to a forty year old
in a blink, and I tend to be a bit overly descriptive and poetic in my words
(Meyer got nothing on me and my adjectives).
Hello, my name is Paige Lollie. This blog is who I am. Please
to meet you.
