After reading my friend’s, Randi Lee, post about insecurity, it really made me aware of myself and bring into light a denial I just haven’t faced.
I don’t really know who I am in this writing world.
I know what genre I like, I’m pretty sure I know my strong points when it concerns writing, I’m also sure where I struggle at. But when it comes down to the writing world, I’m lost.
I wanted to write a blog about writing to help promote my writing, meet new people, get advice, and perhaps give out advice in return. However, I find that I am looking far too much at what everyone else is doing to influence my own.
Instead of being inspired, I think I am conforming and hiding behind a mask of what people think is cool to fit into a clique. It’s like I’m treating this like it is high school or something. Which makes it all the more concerning because I didn’t act like this during the awkward teenage years.
This might be happening for a few reasons. One is I think all of this means just so much to me. Writing, stepping outside of my comfort zone, getting published, and meeting people who are not only interested in writing itself but my writing as well.
Sad thing is, if I keep doing what I am doing I will be defeating that purpose. No one will be hearing my real voice. It would just be me following after the words of others and trying to reach their fame rather than start my own way.
Inspiration is one thing, changing yourself to win the affection and attention of others is something else entirely. And I feel if I am not there yet I am on the path. I am worrying about the wrong stuff on the site.
Another thing is, which brings back to why this was inspired by Randi’s post, is that I have always been a very insecure person. For the majority of my life I have been the second or in the background. Never really had friends, when I made friends I was there mostly for backup, blended into the background and acknowledged when something was needed.
Now, this isn’t said for pity. I have a few great friends now who are really supporting and see me. It’s more of an explanation on why I might be using this writing blog for a very wrong reason.
Of course, this isn’t to say that the words I have said below are fake and shallow. I do mean what I say actually. Rather it’s how I came about writing some of them, or how I will study what other’s say for my own profit of “fame” rather than absorbing their advice in. Instead of reading the impressive words of some blogger I might look at how they write their bio or how they have their blog set up. I wonder about petty things; is mine not as impressive looking? Does my bio turn people off? Should I make things look more like them? Maybe I should work on how I say things.
But does all of this stuff really matter? Does it even matter to have an “identity” here? Why do I feel like I have to be somebody to write out things I want to write? Why do I try to be Randi Lee when she is Randi Lee and I am Paige Lollie?
So, perhaps this blog isn’t just about writing and sharing advice and everything I mentioned before. Right now it seems more like an exploration of who I am as a blogger, a writer, and a person.
This blog isn’t about deadlines, it’s not about getting ratings or followers, and it’s not about just spewing out whatever “emotional” nonsense I can find in my mind simply because it sounds like something someone else would read because it is something sorta similar to what someone impressive said.
So this has to stop. I gotta write honestly and be honest. I can’t hide behind someone else’s words. I don’t think it works to create an identity for yourself. That makes it sound like I’m one of those stereotypical creepers on a dating site that parodies are made for (the ‘is this picture of you from this universe?’ thing).
It’s about finding your identify. Which honestly, I think I have a long way to go for. But at least now I’m on the right path. Now I can start writing more about what I feel like writing rather than worry about how it will sound or if it will be super useful.
Though there aren’t many reading my stuff now (which came off sounding a little emo) I am coming out to tell you more about myself and be warned; I’m nerdy (look out for quotes), I apologize and worry a lot (Randi can support this fact lol), I go from sounding like a pre-teen to a forty year old in a blink, and I tend to be a bit overly descriptive and poetic in my words (Meyer got nothing on me and my adjectives).
Hello, my name is Paige Lollie. This blog is who I am. Please to meet you.