The Horror Semester

Has finally come to the end.

This Fall semester has been a battle. It's affected how I write, think, feel, and act. From the start of the whole semester, my positive energy has drained and I would cry at least once a week. Little pieces of bad luck just kept piling on one another, snow-balling me with one wave after another. Classes that should be fun and easy were facing a terrible negative mental block. Despite working out daily and eating right I gained weight. Little fun things like running a club was stressing me out. Even if I worked on assignments early I could never seem to get them done or get an acceptable grade (and for me a B is borderline on unacceptable). I was getting Cs, Ds, and Fs no matter how hard I tried. All I wanted to do was write but when I tried to write I would feel guilty about doing this over all the needed academic work that needed to be done (especially when I was struggling so bad). Working on my novel, the blog, or even just reviewing other blogs was out of the question. And even if I made an attempt the negatives took the joy away. I had made a goal to do the NANO but couldn't even get 500 words in.

Goals fell apart. I lost a scholarship and the Dean's List. For the first time about three or four years I made more Cs and Bs than As. It was so hard to smile any more and I hated school and all my classes, despite some great teachers.

So in simple terms, I got depressed and a horrible case of senioritist.

But, even though this semester beat me down and turned me more negative than I ever would want to be, I won't let it get me down. It is time to let the horror semester go and fall back into the wave of positive thoughts and looking forward to the future.

I'm going to apply to publishing internships up in New York. I'm getting a mentorship with an awesome professor I had this past semester. I will start getting certificates for teaching both high school and workouts. Start studying for GED and send out applications to grad-school. Finally get my driver's license. And the big thing is I will be graduating in May.

I don't like simply venting about myself on this blog. It doesn't feel like I am using this to its full potential. If I am going to complain, I should share something else about it.

Just give life the opportunity to get better. Work hard with it to make it change for the better. It takes time and it is a challenge. Facing constant bad things for a while can tear down anyone. And when you can't seem to vent it out or defend yourself against it, sometimes you just need to learn from it. Humans are resilient and when facing adversity or hardship, we can start to learn from it and gain strength.

Whenever you are facing a horribly rough patch in your life, just try to hold on to some form of hope or faith or strength that things can get better. Just keep trying and moving forward. Take in the positives that you can find and use it to give you more power to keep going on.

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To all the Sandy Hook victims and families. What you are going through is something no one should ever face. You all are in our thoughts and prayers and motivations to do more for the world than we have ever done before. We are more understanding and more grateful for what we have and what we face. May comfort and happiness find you all again soon.

Am I Crazy?

I think so.

You know, I notice (and have been told multiple times) that I don't vent. I tend to keep things to myself. In truth I hate venting. I always feel, sorta, worse afterwards. But I don't seem to express my own fears, doubts, and insecurities and it seems a bit unfair that I seem to talk about how to fix problems when I don't have the courage enough to stand up and say "I, personally, have this problem".

Anywho, my problem is school and lack of time. I no longer have that depression, but I am taking on a lot of things this semester that is really overwhelming at times. It is good to have a lot of things for a Senior; bulk up the CV, make connections, make friends, and have life-long experiences. So, I'm not necessarily regretting my choices so far, but man I am wondering a bit if I am biting off more than I can chew.

Just to give you an idea of my semester:

I am taking six classes: French 3, Old English, Romantic Literature, Ancient Philosophy, Philosophy of Religion, and Technical Editing. And let me tell you, French 3 is horrible. I struggle with languages terribly, so being required to take a class where the teaching doesn't fit everyone's needs is pretty difficult. And in all honesty, we think this class was a main cause of my depression fit earlier this semester.

And this opens up to another thing: I am trying for a 4.0. It doesn't look possible because of French (curse you foreign language requirement) which was pretty upsetting to myself (this also ties back to trying to let go of being perfect). But everything else I am aiming for an A in, which takes a lot of time.

Then, there is my huge health/weight goal. I am trying to lose about 40 pounds before May. I'll just come right out and say I have high cholesterol (thank you genetics....and cheese. curse you cheese). And have been overweight for the majority of my life. I made it a goal to get my degree as healthy as I can be and this also takes time. I try to work out multiple times daily, training to start running, eating healthy...it takes time and studying to be healthy! I also got a work-out addiction from my dad, we don't seem to function, sleep, or feel refreshed and happy without sweating sometime during the day.

And then there are the extracurricular activities. I am the historian for Sigma Tau Delta (English Honor Society) and the president of the Creative Writing Club. And the club is sort of restarting so I am working together with some people to make it really organized and strong, trying out a lot of new ideas, and forming up new procedures and forms. I'm also a tutor for philosophy and english (though so far, I'm only being used for Logic) and working with a career counselor to put together presentations for students who are interested in going into the publishing field.

Also, working on making career connections. Trying to land an internship/mentorships with a teacher for next semester. Applying to all sorts of places for careers. Looking to apply to publishing companies for internships or doing teaching programs. I have been going to many meetings and dinners to get information and make connections. I seem to have one twice a week!

And I am doing all of this while trying to get my second edition of my WIP done, have two blogs (this and a cooking one), get myself and my writing noticed, and have somewhat of a social life with my family....while resisting buying loads of fall boots (curse you gorgeous boots).

It is a frantic semester with something new every week. But, I guess that is life, right? When writing, we're going to have to learn to do it while balancing so many other things. Guess this really could be seen as a great training. I'm getting a lot of experience for jobs and what an adult needs to face.

I suppose there is no real topic or theme or discussion for this one. Just thought I would try something new and see about venting? I'm not sure. I'm still not too good at this! But, I'll keep trying if it works out positively for me.

To survive in laugh, gotta remain positive and think that everything, or most everything, that I do now can really help and affect my future. Trying my hardest now might mean great things for me really soon. So I will keep trying hard, keep a smile on my face, and think of what this will mean to me later on.

Little hard work won't kill anyone after all!

Depression & Writing

Insecure Writer's Support Group--October Edition

The new semester started a month ago and it has greatly affected my writing and my life. It was a hard start. For some reason, I just became overwhelmed with all the work that needed to be done and being so close to the end of my BA (next semester, whoot!). I couldn't concentrate and couldn't seem to function positively. I actually felt more inspired to goof off and write rather than study or do any work.

I was crying and stressing out daily. I'm so close to the end! I have a scholarship and am on the Dean's List! How could I possibly be quitting when I'm so close to finishing everything off with such a good note?

Well, after going to discuss this with a counselor and chatting with my parents, it seems I was so overwhelmed (particularly with my language course). I had the idea that I wasn't good enough if I got anything less than an A, lose the scholarship, and not just be perfect on everything. It was just hitting me hard and with six classes, it can get really stressful really fast.

After the talks, and realizing I am, indeed, a perfectionist, I just had to step back and come to a realization that no one is perfect and being perfect does not mean it I become a failure. I was just viewing everything in such a black-&-white way. Getting a C in French would not ruin me for the rest of my life nor would it be a devastating loss to not have the scholarship for my final semester. I couldn't let these little details overwhelm me and have everything else be totally ruined.

Though hard, I had to let it all go. Stop worrying so much over everything. It is still hard today. I am so far behind because I was in a sort of...depressive neutral state for about four of the six weeks of my classes. I have to try and control those feelings, catch up on all the classes, run a club, and try to find some time to write.

But things are better now, at least emotionally and working with a more positive and strong attitude.

Now, I don't want to just sit here and talk about the depression (especially since it concerned more about school than writing). Instead, I would like to talk about how this can help with writing and life.

Simple. As said before, no one is perfect and not being perfect doesn't instantly mean failure. Don't go by the quote "If you're not first, you're last!" (Ricky Bobby, lol). The world isn't made up of all winners and failures.

Don't let the pressure of being the "perfect" writer overwhelm you. Stop fretting over the details. Yes, those details are vital and important, but they are not worth losing everything for. Especially your health and sanity.

Take some time and give yourself a pep-talk. Don't let the one class, one assignment, one chapter, or one character tear everything down. Remember perspective! And always go to someone when you start to lose that perspective. Never be afraid to go to someone for help. You never have to go through any of these things alone.