The Horror Semester

Has finally come to the end.

This Fall semester has been a battle. It's affected how I write, think, feel, and act. From the start of the whole semester, my positive energy has drained and I would cry at least once a week. Little pieces of bad luck just kept piling on one another, snow-balling me with one wave after another. Classes that should be fun and easy were facing a terrible negative mental block. Despite working out daily and eating right I gained weight. Little fun things like running a club was stressing me out. Even if I worked on assignments early I could never seem to get them done or get an acceptable grade (and for me a B is borderline on unacceptable). I was getting Cs, Ds, and Fs no matter how hard I tried. All I wanted to do was write but when I tried to write I would feel guilty about doing this over all the needed academic work that needed to be done (especially when I was struggling so bad). Working on my novel, the blog, or even just reviewing other blogs was out of the question. And even if I made an attempt the negatives took the joy away. I had made a goal to do the NANO but couldn't even get 500 words in.

Goals fell apart. I lost a scholarship and the Dean's List. For the first time about three or four years I made more Cs and Bs than As. It was so hard to smile any more and I hated school and all my classes, despite some great teachers.

So in simple terms, I got depressed and a horrible case of senioritist.

But, even though this semester beat me down and turned me more negative than I ever would want to be, I won't let it get me down. It is time to let the horror semester go and fall back into the wave of positive thoughts and looking forward to the future.

I'm going to apply to publishing internships up in New York. I'm getting a mentorship with an awesome professor I had this past semester. I will start getting certificates for teaching both high school and workouts. Start studying for GED and send out applications to grad-school. Finally get my driver's license. And the big thing is I will be graduating in May.

I don't like simply venting about myself on this blog. It doesn't feel like I am using this to its full potential. If I am going to complain, I should share something else about it.

Just give life the opportunity to get better. Work hard with it to make it change for the better. It takes time and it is a challenge. Facing constant bad things for a while can tear down anyone. And when you can't seem to vent it out or defend yourself against it, sometimes you just need to learn from it. Humans are resilient and when facing adversity or hardship, we can start to learn from it and gain strength.

Whenever you are facing a horribly rough patch in your life, just try to hold on to some form of hope or faith or strength that things can get better. Just keep trying and moving forward. Take in the positives that you can find and use it to give you more power to keep going on.

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To all the Sandy Hook victims and families. What you are going through is something no one should ever face. You all are in our thoughts and prayers and motivations to do more for the world than we have ever done before. We are more understanding and more grateful for what we have and what we face. May comfort and happiness find you all again soon.

My Writing History

(new template! Feels a bit more fitting.)

Like most, I have had a dream to be a published novelist. Writing has been one of the only talents I have been aware and proud of since I was little. 

I remember, back when I was in about the third grade I was a shy girl (shyer than I am now) and didn't have much passion for anything. Then our class (of about 15) had a little writing competition. Just write about something in your life and I wrote about my puppy at the time, Hannah. I had no faith in myself, though I really wanted to win the trophy (a stuffed beaver doll). The time came and the teacher began to read out the winning story. I was so insecure about it that I didn't even recognize it was my own story!

That was the first sign to me that I might have something I am actually good at. Of course, at that age it didn't really click that I could do this for a living. At that age, you're mostly introduced into the world of being a doctor or a teacher. But so many things throughout my life kept bringing me back to writing.

When I was about eleven I discovered anime and then at about twelve or thirteen I discovered the world of fanfiction (through fanfiction.net). At first I wanted to write cause I was a typical fangirl with a Mary-Sue/Self Insertion character I wanted to have claim a bishie. But after really starting with my anime love YuGiOh and my fan-crush Tea (except for my one anime love (HIEI), I've always loved the female characters in animes) I noticed I was actually getting a fan base. 

Soon, I started taking it real serious. I covered different genres; romance, action, and slapstick humor. I went from different worlds (Naruto, Bleach, Yu Yu Hakusho, Danny Phantom, Harry Potter), created new worlds (the AUs) and kept getting popularity.

I was actually writing something that a lot of people were reading and enjoying.

But it still wasn't fully clicking that this was something I wanted to do. The thought was there, but for some reason it just wasn't obvious that I could try and do this for a living. There was talk about it, thoughts about it, but I don't think I ever proclaimed out loud, "I want to be an author."

Perhaps it was still insecurity. Perhaps I felt like I shouldn't be an author, it's not a "real" job. I do remember mom and dad speaking to me about it, that they felt like this was something I love. I think I might've even said I wanted to write a book. But I don't think I ever said "author".

Whatever it was, it just wasn't something that was ready to click.

Until I saw Eragon. 

I remember I had really enjoyed that first book. I remember that the author was so young and was already writing and doing something he really loved, and profiting from it.

And I remember how utterly disappointed I was in the movie. 

I complained the whole way back home. "If it was my book I wouldn't let Hollywood do that." or "It was such a good story, why didn't it get on the screen right?" of course, it probably had more of a whiny high-schooler tone to it. But moving on...

And mom asked me, "Well, why don't you make one yourself? You seem to like it. You talk about stories and writing a lot."

And I finally answered, "I will!" 

That was the for sure moment I made up my mind to try and be like Christopher Paolini. It has taken years, still far behind the man that actually got me to start doing something seriously, but I am on a more serious road in doing something that I hadn't realized been my dream for years.

Still moving slower than I would like, but I am obtaining so many years of experience. I am learning something new about myself, strengthening my writing, and meeting so many new people who are helping me succeed in this.

What about you? When and what got you to realize "this is what I want to do. I want to be an author"?

My Writer's Identity

After reading my friend’s, Randi Lee, post about insecurity, it really made me aware of myself and bring into light a denial I just haven’t faced.

I don’t really know who I am in this writing world.

I know what genre I like, I’m pretty sure I know my strong points when it concerns writing, I’m also sure where I struggle at. But when it comes down to the writing world, I’m lost.

I wanted to write a blog about writing to help promote my writing, meet new people, get advice, and perhaps give out advice in return. However, I find that I am looking far too much at what everyone else is doing to influence my own.

Instead of being inspired, I think I am conforming and hiding behind a mask of what people think is cool to fit into a clique. It’s like I’m treating this like it is high school or something. Which makes it all the more concerning because I didn’t act like this during the awkward teenage years.

This might be happening for a few reasons. One is I think all of this means just so much to me. Writing, stepping outside of my comfort zone, getting published, and meeting people who are not only interested in writing itself but my writing as well.

Sad thing is, if I keep doing what I am doing I will be defeating that purpose. No one will be hearing my real voice. It would just be me following after the words of others and trying to reach their fame rather than start my own way.

Inspiration is one thing, changing yourself to win the affection and attention of others is something else entirely. And I feel if I am not there yet I am on the path. I am worrying about the wrong stuff on the site.

Another thing is, which brings back to why this was inspired by Randi’s post, is that I have always been a very insecure person. For the majority of my life I have been the second or in the background. Never really had friends, when I made friends I was there mostly for backup, blended into the background and acknowledged when something was needed.

Now, this isn’t said for pity. I have a few great friends now who are really supporting and see me. It’s more of an explanation on why I might be using this writing blog for a very wrong reason.

Of course, this isn’t to say that the words I have said below are fake and shallow. I do mean what I say actually. Rather it’s how I came about writing some of them, or how I will study what other’s say for my own profit of “fame” rather than absorbing their advice in. Instead of reading the impressive words of some blogger I might look at how they write their bio or how they have their blog set up. I wonder about petty things; is mine not as impressive looking? Does my bio turn people off? Should I make things look more like them? Maybe I should work on how I say things.

But does all of this stuff really matter? Does it even matter to have an “identity” here? Why do I feel like I have to be somebody to write out things I want to write?  Why do I try to be Randi Lee when she is Randi Lee and I am Paige Lollie?

So, perhaps this blog isn’t just about writing and sharing advice and everything I mentioned before. Right now it seems more like an exploration of who I am as a blogger, a writer, and a person.

This blog isn’t about deadlines, it’s not about getting ratings or followers, and it’s not about just spewing out whatever “emotional” nonsense I can find in my mind simply because it sounds like something someone else would read because it is something sorta similar to what someone impressive said.

So this has to stop. I gotta write honestly and be honest. I can’t hide behind someone else’s words. I don’t think it works to create an identity for yourself. That makes it sound like I’m one of those stereotypical creepers on a dating site that parodies are made for (the ‘is this picture of you from this universe?’ thing).

It’s about finding your identify. Which honestly, I think I have a long way to go for. But at least now I’m on the right path. Now I can start writing more about what I feel like writing rather than worry about how it will sound or if it will be super useful.

Though there aren’t many reading my stuff now (which came off sounding a little emo) I am coming out to tell you more about myself and be warned; I’m nerdy (look out for quotes), I apologize and worry a lot (Randi can support this fact lol), I go from sounding like a pre-teen to a forty year old in a blink, and I tend to be a bit overly descriptive and poetic in my words (Meyer got nothing on me and my adjectives).

Hello, my name is Paige Lollie. This blog is who I am. Please to meet you.