Don't Be Afraid of No

The idea of being rejected can be hard to take. It is being told that you're just not good enough. And it hurts badly. Your work, your courage, and perhaps even bits of yourself don't fit with what you really want. This can be to your manuscript, to asking that desired lovely out, to going after a job. That painful moment where it feels like hope has been taken from you. To sum it up, "no" is a painful process that is just part of every day reality.

But being told "no" does not have to be as terrible as it is. "No" does not equal a total rejection of who you are. This is just a way to grow and mature and become an even more courageous person for the next obstacle in your life.

There is so much about yourself you can discover and create from facing that terrible moment of "no". Don't miss out on an opportunity to hear the word because you are so afraid of it. Negativity and hardship can be the key to positivity and accomplishment.

How can anyone grow if their mistakes or flaws aren't mentioned? How does anyone as a writer or a person develop and get better if they don't see their outstanding possibilities? Without these moments of pain and "no" we wouldn't find out what else we could become.

You didn't get that job/lovely/contract? It's horrible and you deserve time to mourn of what could've been. But then you need to get back up and find that "yes" out there. Because you will find it in some form in a way you might not have expected you needed. You just might find the better person to share the rest of your life with. Perhaps that job would've stopped you from traveling around the world and finding a new dream. And just maybe there is a better twist to your story you weren't even aware of.

My family has a saying when something doesn't live up to expectations or the dreaded "no" was given. "Something better is meant to happen" and I find, for the most part, it is true. It just takes time and trying to make the better happen. Because it can't happen on its own. We gotta still put ourselves out there with the rejections to find it.

Never take "no" as a signal to give up. See it as a challenge to just prove it wrong.

Each rejection should be held as a warrior's mark and seen as an accomplishment. You took the step and tried. Do you know how hard it is to even make an attempt at something out of fear of rejection or a sense of nothing coming from it? Every day people fail to try because of "no".  There are people who are sitting waiting for something to happen to them or just living in an empty mundane because they don't want to go out into the rejections.

Don't let the fear of rejection prevent you from ever trying something you truly want. As hard as it is to say and as hard as it is to do, sometimes you just need to swallow that pride and fear and let yourself do something you never thought you could do.

"Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come from it." -- Benjamin Mee (We Bought a Zoo)

Even if that greatness isn't seen instantly, you accomplished twenty seconds of bravery which is something not everyone can do. Set your stop watch and walk into that restaurant and say hi without worrying about the "no" that may or may not follow.

Learning to Let Go

I realized after I posted, I missed the Insecure Writer's Support Group: July Edition by one day, so I will make this one mine, if that is legal.

I will start off by just saying life loves to get in the way of writing. It’s madness! But school and computer problems and illness just always sneak up and overwhelms you when you really don’t need it. And Princess Peach, you can’t just leave her locked in the tower! I mean…it’s not right.

Anyway, the distractions aside, it is time to get back to business.

I am in the process of another re-write of my novel.  At the moment the prologue is being rewritten for about the eighth time and I am finding myself at a point that most writers probably face: when you have to let go.

Except for about the first two or three editions, the book has always started with the line “Once upon a time, war was the dream of the people” and now I am finding myself so hooked on to this one sentence I have based every re-write since then on that one sentence alone.

And, like my writer’s identity, I wasn’t fully aware I was doing it until I had a slap-in-the-face realization.

My start chapter might start off with a line I am proud of, but everything following after has always sounded stale, forced, and just plain “meh”. Is that one line really worth it?

For a long time, it was.

How on earth did that happen? Though I am a writer and though I want to write a book, I can’t forget about the fact that these are just words. Though the words create something great, they are still words.

And I should not let a few words, a sentence, a paragraph, a page, or a chapter control and constrict the story as a whole. Things might be shared through the words, but they aren’t the only things that are contributing to the book.

So, I have to let these words go. Though painful, it is just what has to be done for the greater good of the novel.

I found I had to give myself a stern talking to. I needed to sit down and converse with Randi and myself before I finally deleted them and left myself with a completely blank page. It is rejuvenating, inspiring, and heartbreaking all at the same time.

Now, how to let it go? Well, in all honesty, I don’t think anyone can till they realize they are ready for it themselves. My best friend and mentor probably couldn’t get me to let it go until I was ready. Heck, the most distinguished published author probably couldn’t have gotten me to let it go either.

Because these words just mean so much during creation, and that love and pride just get in the way. Not until I or anyone else is ready can those words be deleted.

And man, once they are, I look back and go “what the heck was wrong with me?”. It feels like so much time was wasted! I could’ve let it go earlier and moved on! But I have to remember:

Not until I am ready. And everyone goes at their own proper, healthy, right pace. Rushing, typically, just won’t help. I think pushing myself is good, to work and try to get things accomplished after so long of not writing or to meet a goal…but like the words; that time-line is not worth the destruction of the story!

That, I think, is what the kicker is. When the realization that the story is worth more than this one lovely thing, then everything starts to fall more into play. But it does stink waiting for that moment to finally click.

What about your experience? Has there been something that you just struggled with letting go? Please share!

My Writer's Identity

After reading my friend’s, Randi Lee, post about insecurity, it really made me aware of myself and bring into light a denial I just haven’t faced.

I don’t really know who I am in this writing world.

I know what genre I like, I’m pretty sure I know my strong points when it concerns writing, I’m also sure where I struggle at. But when it comes down to the writing world, I’m lost.

I wanted to write a blog about writing to help promote my writing, meet new people, get advice, and perhaps give out advice in return. However, I find that I am looking far too much at what everyone else is doing to influence my own.

Instead of being inspired, I think I am conforming and hiding behind a mask of what people think is cool to fit into a clique. It’s like I’m treating this like it is high school or something. Which makes it all the more concerning because I didn’t act like this during the awkward teenage years.

This might be happening for a few reasons. One is I think all of this means just so much to me. Writing, stepping outside of my comfort zone, getting published, and meeting people who are not only interested in writing itself but my writing as well.

Sad thing is, if I keep doing what I am doing I will be defeating that purpose. No one will be hearing my real voice. It would just be me following after the words of others and trying to reach their fame rather than start my own way.

Inspiration is one thing, changing yourself to win the affection and attention of others is something else entirely. And I feel if I am not there yet I am on the path. I am worrying about the wrong stuff on the site.

Another thing is, which brings back to why this was inspired by Randi’s post, is that I have always been a very insecure person. For the majority of my life I have been the second or in the background. Never really had friends, when I made friends I was there mostly for backup, blended into the background and acknowledged when something was needed.

Now, this isn’t said for pity. I have a few great friends now who are really supporting and see me. It’s more of an explanation on why I might be using this writing blog for a very wrong reason.

Of course, this isn’t to say that the words I have said below are fake and shallow. I do mean what I say actually. Rather it’s how I came about writing some of them, or how I will study what other’s say for my own profit of “fame” rather than absorbing their advice in. Instead of reading the impressive words of some blogger I might look at how they write their bio or how they have their blog set up. I wonder about petty things; is mine not as impressive looking? Does my bio turn people off? Should I make things look more like them? Maybe I should work on how I say things.

But does all of this stuff really matter? Does it even matter to have an “identity” here? Why do I feel like I have to be somebody to write out things I want to write?  Why do I try to be Randi Lee when she is Randi Lee and I am Paige Lollie?

So, perhaps this blog isn’t just about writing and sharing advice and everything I mentioned before. Right now it seems more like an exploration of who I am as a blogger, a writer, and a person.

This blog isn’t about deadlines, it’s not about getting ratings or followers, and it’s not about just spewing out whatever “emotional” nonsense I can find in my mind simply because it sounds like something someone else would read because it is something sorta similar to what someone impressive said.

So this has to stop. I gotta write honestly and be honest. I can’t hide behind someone else’s words. I don’t think it works to create an identity for yourself. That makes it sound like I’m one of those stereotypical creepers on a dating site that parodies are made for (the ‘is this picture of you from this universe?’ thing).

It’s about finding your identify. Which honestly, I think I have a long way to go for. But at least now I’m on the right path. Now I can start writing more about what I feel like writing rather than worry about how it will sound or if it will be super useful.

Though there aren’t many reading my stuff now (which came off sounding a little emo) I am coming out to tell you more about myself and be warned; I’m nerdy (look out for quotes), I apologize and worry a lot (Randi can support this fact lol), I go from sounding like a pre-teen to a forty year old in a blink, and I tend to be a bit overly descriptive and poetic in my words (Meyer got nothing on me and my adjectives).

Hello, my name is Paige Lollie. This blog is who I am. Please to meet you.

The No Reaction Pain

In the post previously mentioned, I talk about stepping out of your box and commercializing yourself. It is an uncomfortable step to get known and have your work read. It is through this process that you can meet with some uncomfortable and upsetting feedback that could hurt even the most strong of person.

But sometimes it is not because of the negative reaction you will receive. Rejection can be a hard pill to swallow, but after realizing everyone goes through such a process, that it is simply another step in becoming a writer, it isn't too bad. Rejection can be made into a game even. The "How Many Rejection Letters Can I Get" game. A little cynical, but can be used into a positive light. Because the rejection is helping you get stronger. You are learning from it and getting advice and ways on how to get better.

There is also something humbling and professional about being rejected. It is a sign that you are becoming a writer, you are stepping into the world and facing its tough reality. There is sense of pride that should come with rejection. Your work has been read and you have a reaction from it.

Rejection can be something good and this good side can help ease the ego-bruising pain.

No Reaction, that is where the big crusher comes in. It is one thing to get a negative reaction from your story, it is another thing entirely to get nothing at all. How does one progress without hearing the positives an negatives from others? How can there even be a solid grasp on if you have something good when you can't get anyone to read? Or if they are reading, not telling you anything about it?

This is a big painful part of writing anything. Even those of us who are shy and hermit-like still want our work to be read and to get something from the public. When it feels like there is nothing but an awkward silence, you are left with your own self-doubts and mean words of criticism

Here are some words of advice on how to deal with this No Reaction.

1) The first step of advice I can give you is to not be too discouraged no matter how hard it is. An important part of being a writer is to maintain a positive, stubborn attitude. You have to always be willing to listen to advice and change at times, but I don't think you should ever give up and not let anyone ever tell you to either. If this writing project is worth something to you, that's all that matters.

2) The next thing is a bit of what was mentioned before: you have to get yourself out there. If one site is not giving you any attention, move on to the next site. And the next and the next. You are bound to catch the attention of someone. It just might be a long process because there are so many people out there fighting for attention of the masses. If a site doesn't work, maybe it is time to go out into the real world, away from our hermit lives and our Internet and just get people to read it and get their reaction. Might have to corner a friend or family member, but it is a good step.

3) This is important: time to follow great words, "do unto others as you would have done unto yourself". You are NOT the only one who feels ignored and that your writing isn't being given the attention it deserves. Go out there and find people like you and give their story some time of day. Give them the advice, critiques, and words of encouragement you are looking for. You will learn a lot about your own writing, possibly gain readers, and earn yourself karma. It is also never a bad thing to help out a fellow writer.

4) Sometimes a No Reaction IS a reaction and can be taken as a critique. If a person doesn't have something to say, positive or negative, it might not mean your writing is bad but that nothing stands out. It might be time for you to read over your work, study the work of others, and see if there is something (as harsh as it sounds) bland in what you have. Check over different parts of your story, because just one part of a story can have a great affect on it overall. Is there something off within how you are writing it? Maybe check the main character and see if he or she doesn't stand out in the way you want. Maybe there is something off or cliche in the story itself? There are so many things that can make a good story not stand out the way it should.

5) While painful, No Reaction is not the end of the world for you and your writing. It is just another step that some writers have to take while they grow and mature. Just keep trying and you will get past this hard moment. Trust me.

6) So many things can be molded into a positive. Make this another one of those things. Use a No Reaction and make it into a game like the Rejection one. Or see it as a challenge and that you can only get better from here. Don't let it get you down or stuck.

I bring this up because it happens very often. I started to feel it when I was looking at my own blog and the reactions I was getting. I started to go down the road of self-pity and harsh criticism when I realized how pointless and wrong that path is. I'm not the only one who goes through this, it's not the end of the world if something isn't given any sort of attention. It just means that other steps need to be taken to get the reaction that I want. I need to worker harder on my part to make a great impression.

You all can do it too! Don't let the No Reaction get you down! Much like the Rejection, take it and make it into something positive and use it to your own advantage.

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Weekly Workshop

Here I want to suggest some writing workshops for people to take that might be a great help to their novel or just writing in general. Some of these will be things I've made up, read from a book, or learned from a class. If it will be of any service to any one out there, I hope it will be used!

Workshop: The Secret (prt. 1)

Take your story, or a story you have written in the past, and sit down and have a conversation with a main character. Within this conversation you discover they have been keeping a secret from you, the author. It can be life changing, it can be very simple, but the point is it is something you had no idea was part of your character.

You can write out the conversation you have with them, just the secret itself, or write out the secret within the story itself and have it be reveled to you that way. The point is for you to dive deep into the mind, personality, and life of your character and bring out something new you were not aware of.