Dear Karma

Insecure Writer's Support Group: April Edition 

Dear Karma,

I am formally requesting a history of my actions and thoughts from the last year. It seems over the past six+ months I've been suffering from an onslaught of bad luck. While I do understand that life throws tests at people to strengthen them for the future and help them appreciate the better times, I feel like this particular onslaught has gone on for quite some time. It makes me wonder if my Karma-level has depleted due to negative actions and thoughts on my part. I do try to be good, positive, and aware of the "what goes around, comes around" motto, but am at a loss for previous actions that may have, let's say, triggered this avalanche of sourness.

Now, please don't get me wrong, I do appreciate what I have but recently I've found myself becoming pretty drained. I've lost my grandfather and been forced to deal with my unpleasant grandmother. My family has been going through a dry spell financially. I've lost a good GPA, a part on the Dean's List, and a scholarship all due to a language course I never plan on using in my career/life but am required to take anyway. Good friends of mine have suffered accidents. I've been on strict diets, started running, and do intense workouts and yet I have gained weight (and it don't look like muscle). Oh, and remember the language course I previously mentioned? It might cost my graduation. I'm suffering horrible insecurities about myself and writing. Writer's block feels like it's crawling from the shadows of my mind. And I'm still meeting a couple of bad luck occurrences practically daily (my new job at school might not be able to pay me in time, surprise French assignments, unhelpful departments, etc.).

I do feel grateful for what I have and for the appreciation and relief I will have once all of this is over and life gets back on an upbeat path again. I can count my blessings and still meet the day with a positive attitude. And while I will whine and sigh and mope, I promise I won't quit on anything. I do apologize if this comes out annoying. You know i hate to do stuff like this. But man I am curious about all of this, Karma!

I hope to hear back so I may leaner from my mistake and not make you so mad in the future.

Thank you in advanced!

--Paige

P.S.: I look forward to graduating in a few weeks. Please, please send enough luck for that accomplishment!

The Horror Semester

Has finally come to the end.

This Fall semester has been a battle. It's affected how I write, think, feel, and act. From the start of the whole semester, my positive energy has drained and I would cry at least once a week. Little pieces of bad luck just kept piling on one another, snow-balling me with one wave after another. Classes that should be fun and easy were facing a terrible negative mental block. Despite working out daily and eating right I gained weight. Little fun things like running a club was stressing me out. Even if I worked on assignments early I could never seem to get them done or get an acceptable grade (and for me a B is borderline on unacceptable). I was getting Cs, Ds, and Fs no matter how hard I tried. All I wanted to do was write but when I tried to write I would feel guilty about doing this over all the needed academic work that needed to be done (especially when I was struggling so bad). Working on my novel, the blog, or even just reviewing other blogs was out of the question. And even if I made an attempt the negatives took the joy away. I had made a goal to do the NANO but couldn't even get 500 words in.

Goals fell apart. I lost a scholarship and the Dean's List. For the first time about three or four years I made more Cs and Bs than As. It was so hard to smile any more and I hated school and all my classes, despite some great teachers.

So in simple terms, I got depressed and a horrible case of senioritist.

But, even though this semester beat me down and turned me more negative than I ever would want to be, I won't let it get me down. It is time to let the horror semester go and fall back into the wave of positive thoughts and looking forward to the future.

I'm going to apply to publishing internships up in New York. I'm getting a mentorship with an awesome professor I had this past semester. I will start getting certificates for teaching both high school and workouts. Start studying for GED and send out applications to grad-school. Finally get my driver's license. And the big thing is I will be graduating in May.

I don't like simply venting about myself on this blog. It doesn't feel like I am using this to its full potential. If I am going to complain, I should share something else about it.

Just give life the opportunity to get better. Work hard with it to make it change for the better. It takes time and it is a challenge. Facing constant bad things for a while can tear down anyone. And when you can't seem to vent it out or defend yourself against it, sometimes you just need to learn from it. Humans are resilient and when facing adversity or hardship, we can start to learn from it and gain strength.

Whenever you are facing a horribly rough patch in your life, just try to hold on to some form of hope or faith or strength that things can get better. Just keep trying and moving forward. Take in the positives that you can find and use it to give you more power to keep going on.

--

To all the Sandy Hook victims and families. What you are going through is something no one should ever face. You all are in our thoughts and prayers and motivations to do more for the world than we have ever done before. We are more understanding and more grateful for what we have and what we face. May comfort and happiness find you all again soon.